i'm getting sick.
wtf.
my throat hurts and my head hurts.
i've decided that i'm not going to see RB tonight. he wanted to cook me dinner, but i feel way too crappy and stressed about leaving tomorrow for home. so fuck that.
yuck.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
what a conundrum
when i eat foods that are "good" for me, veggies, rice, beans, fruits, etc, i eat a LOT. too much, waaaaaaaay too much.
when i eat foods that are "bad" for me, chips, cheese, chocolate, peanut butter, etc, i can control myself.
how odd.
and what to do? as a person who is mildly obsessed with food and what's good and bad and what i am/amnot allowed to eat, there is not a happy place for me in all this.
well well well.
today's intake so far:
2 pieces of that light toast stuff (80)
some peanutbutter (90)
1 clementine (40)
oatmeal (160)
=
370
i have lettuce and a cuke that need to be eaten before going home for thanksgiving. so there's that tonight.
running later, despite the shit weather. uggawug.
when i eat foods that are "bad" for me, chips, cheese, chocolate, peanut butter, etc, i can control myself.
how odd.
and what to do? as a person who is mildly obsessed with food and what's good and bad and what i am/amnot allowed to eat, there is not a happy place for me in all this.
well well well.
today's intake so far:
2 pieces of that light toast stuff (80)
some peanutbutter (90)
1 clementine (40)
oatmeal (160)
=
370
i have lettuce and a cuke that need to be eaten before going home for thanksgiving. so there's that tonight.
running later, despite the shit weather. uggawug.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
waiting for liftoff
i'm on the rag. pretty much worst thing ever.
the only (ONLY) bright side of this month's period is that it is so much lighter when i haven't been eating. i have always had very regular periods, lasting exactly a week, like clockwork. i still have never skipped a period, and i have learned that my estrogen levels are incredibly susceptible to my friends. however, when i don't eat much, my period usually only lasts about 4 days. it's glorious. the give-and-take though is that my pms symptoms are much worse--cramps, backaches, constipation, and bloating.
i have felt like SHIT the past few days thanks to aunt flo.
i also haven't been able to keep a proper cap on my calories. i don't know how much i have been eating, though it has been mildly restrictive. when i am on my period, i can't tell what i really look like at all. my stomach gets big even if i don't eat, and my mood swings just kill any self-esteem i have.
so hopefully my period will wind down end of today/tomorrow, and i'll know what i look like again.
i ate breakfast today to hopefully get my bowels moving...sorry, it's gross, but not as gross as i feel right now. just a whole grain freezer waffle (100), tiny bit of brummel and brown spread (25), and smidge of strawberry jam (25).
i've brought food with me to work today to keep me out of the oatmeal, which isn't good or filling, and it's shit for you as well (esp the maple brown sugar, my poison of choice). i have some celery sticks with a little container of hummus and plain yogurt (250, high estimate), and an apple (80).
date #2 tonight with rugby boy. but i miss the english bloke. fudger. EB looked at flights to visit me over new year's when he found i wasn't coming, but it's ridiuclously expensive (nyc at new year's? um duh). so he's finding when he's got vacation in the spring time and i'm going out there. maybe i can convince him to come to paris with me--he's never been!
anyway. i might love EB. hmmm...uh-oh....oh well.
hope you all have good days. cross your fingers that i return to normal tomorrow!
the only (ONLY) bright side of this month's period is that it is so much lighter when i haven't been eating. i have always had very regular periods, lasting exactly a week, like clockwork. i still have never skipped a period, and i have learned that my estrogen levels are incredibly susceptible to my friends. however, when i don't eat much, my period usually only lasts about 4 days. it's glorious. the give-and-take though is that my pms symptoms are much worse--cramps, backaches, constipation, and bloating.
i have felt like SHIT the past few days thanks to aunt flo.
i also haven't been able to keep a proper cap on my calories. i don't know how much i have been eating, though it has been mildly restrictive. when i am on my period, i can't tell what i really look like at all. my stomach gets big even if i don't eat, and my mood swings just kill any self-esteem i have.
so hopefully my period will wind down end of today/tomorrow, and i'll know what i look like again.
i ate breakfast today to hopefully get my bowels moving...sorry, it's gross, but not as gross as i feel right now. just a whole grain freezer waffle (100), tiny bit of brummel and brown spread (25), and smidge of strawberry jam (25).
i've brought food with me to work today to keep me out of the oatmeal, which isn't good or filling, and it's shit for you as well (esp the maple brown sugar, my poison of choice). i have some celery sticks with a little container of hummus and plain yogurt (250, high estimate), and an apple (80).
date #2 tonight with rugby boy. but i miss the english bloke. fudger. EB looked at flights to visit me over new year's when he found i wasn't coming, but it's ridiuclously expensive (nyc at new year's? um duh). so he's finding when he's got vacation in the spring time and i'm going out there. maybe i can convince him to come to paris with me--he's never been!
anyway. i might love EB. hmmm...uh-oh....oh well.
hope you all have good days. cross your fingers that i return to normal tomorrow!
Friday, November 13, 2009
move onward to move the scale downward
yesterday was a bust. i don't want to talk about it. i don't want to dwell, because i am back on track. yes, i didn't do well, but it was a small bump in the road. a reminder, if you will, about why i hate eating.
today i am going to stay busy busy at work. after work, i have plans to start christmas shopping with one of my roommates. when i get home, i am cleaning my room top to bottom, because it has gotten rather messy in my whirlwind of a week. only then, ONLY then, will i plop on the couch to watch my missed shows this week (biggest loser, america's next top model, and 30rock), and then i will have my dinner. i have a spaghetti squash, so i'm going to roast that and eat it with a little spaghetti sauce and some spinach. i might treat myself to a sparking water (in lieu of wine).
then i'm going to bed early! i can't wait.
the date last night went fairly well. it was my first real date in a loooong time, and i guess it was good. i didn't end feeling all tingly-omg-this-is-sooo-great, but we did kiss. a little one. of course, after i went down into the subway to get home (we went out in the financial district, his neighborhood, so i had to go back to brooklyn), i started missing L from the summer. OF COURSE. ughhh, i wish i had normal feelings.
well, anyhoo. i hope everyone has a good day.
OH. quickly. i am going to weigh myself on thanksgiving (or maybe the day before, depending), and i have decided that my goal is to be 130. again, i have no idea what i weight now, but 130 on thanksgiving. i can do it!
today i am going to stay busy busy at work. after work, i have plans to start christmas shopping with one of my roommates. when i get home, i am cleaning my room top to bottom, because it has gotten rather messy in my whirlwind of a week. only then, ONLY then, will i plop on the couch to watch my missed shows this week (biggest loser, america's next top model, and 30rock), and then i will have my dinner. i have a spaghetti squash, so i'm going to roast that and eat it with a little spaghetti sauce and some spinach. i might treat myself to a sparking water (in lieu of wine).
then i'm going to bed early! i can't wait.
the date last night went fairly well. it was my first real date in a loooong time, and i guess it was good. i didn't end feeling all tingly-omg-this-is-sooo-great, but we did kiss. a little one. of course, after i went down into the subway to get home (we went out in the financial district, his neighborhood, so i had to go back to brooklyn), i started missing L from the summer. OF COURSE. ughhh, i wish i had normal feelings.
well, anyhoo. i hope everyone has a good day.
OH. quickly. i am going to weigh myself on thanksgiving (or maybe the day before, depending), and i have decided that my goal is to be 130. again, i have no idea what i weight now, but 130 on thanksgiving. i can do it!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
dizzy
first things first: i have two followers! that makes me incredibly happy. i spend a lot of time feeling alone, so anytime people want to hear what i have to say i appreciate it so much more than you know. hello!
i haven't had a chance to write in a while. i haven't been home much. right now i work for two agencies--one finds me temporary office positions, and one finds me nanny work. yesterday and the day before i had two different nanny jobs that lasted all day, like i was gone from 5:30am until 9pm on tuesday, and 7am until 11pm yesterday. cra-zay.
luckily, chasing after children is not easy. i got in a lot of walking, lifting, running around, etc. i also had plans to not eat, but i am having a hard time squelching that poor-girl voice inside of me that screams FREE FOOD, REMEMBER HOW POOR YOU ARE???? i ate lunch both days, probably totaled around 600 cals on tuesday, and yesterday more than that, because i ate cereal at home, too.
however, i'm not going to let it get me down. my work pants are looser in the thighs, which is nice because they used to be tiiiiight. i'm keeping on.
today i have an apple with me (80), and i may have a spring vegetable cup-a-soup (45) later, but i don't want to eat a lot. i have a first date tonight and we are going for drinks. it's not exactly a blind date because i have spoken to him on the phone before, but we haven't met yet. i am a member of okcupid which sounds (and is) waaaay lame. my brother met his fiancee on that site, and sometimes i get curious and log in. then people message me...whatever. we'll see.
good news of the day: the yoga pants i ordered last month that never came have surfaced! they got returned to sender which is ridiculous, but at least i'm not out that money.
bad news of the day: i was planning a trip to london/edinburgh for new year's but that just fell through. stupid stupid. my summer boy (we work at a camp together) lives in england and i was so excited to see him. we're going to try for a trip in the spring, but that's soooooo far away.
hope everyone has a good day!! i'm feeling empty and light-headed...hope you are too!!
i haven't had a chance to write in a while. i haven't been home much. right now i work for two agencies--one finds me temporary office positions, and one finds me nanny work. yesterday and the day before i had two different nanny jobs that lasted all day, like i was gone from 5:30am until 9pm on tuesday, and 7am until 11pm yesterday. cra-zay.
luckily, chasing after children is not easy. i got in a lot of walking, lifting, running around, etc. i also had plans to not eat, but i am having a hard time squelching that poor-girl voice inside of me that screams FREE FOOD, REMEMBER HOW POOR YOU ARE???? i ate lunch both days, probably totaled around 600 cals on tuesday, and yesterday more than that, because i ate cereal at home, too.
however, i'm not going to let it get me down. my work pants are looser in the thighs, which is nice because they used to be tiiiiight. i'm keeping on.
today i have an apple with me (80), and i may have a spring vegetable cup-a-soup (45) later, but i don't want to eat a lot. i have a first date tonight and we are going for drinks. it's not exactly a blind date because i have spoken to him on the phone before, but we haven't met yet. i am a member of okcupid which sounds (and is) waaaay lame. my brother met his fiancee on that site, and sometimes i get curious and log in. then people message me...whatever. we'll see.
good news of the day: the yoga pants i ordered last month that never came have surfaced! they got returned to sender which is ridiculous, but at least i'm not out that money.
bad news of the day: i was planning a trip to london/edinburgh for new year's but that just fell through. stupid stupid. my summer boy (we work at a camp together) lives in england and i was so excited to see him. we're going to try for a trip in the spring, but that's soooooo far away.
hope everyone has a good day!! i'm feeling empty and light-headed...hope you are too!!
Monday, November 9, 2009
if you don't push, how will you ever find out how strong you are?
well, last night i had some cauliflower. because i made it. and it was roasted and shared, and cauliflower is good for you. i did managed to not taste my roommate's white bean dip with pretzels. it wasn't too hard--i just remembered that my thighs look like white bean dip. sick sick sick. i also only had a small glass of red wine, despite the pressure to indulge a little more. whatever, i don't even really like red wine very much.
onto today. i haven't had a thing yet, though it's only 8-something. i've been up for 2 hours. i hate working in this cubicle! today it is supposed to be almost 70 in new york. a perfect day, and probably the last nice one until spring. of course i am stuck inside until 3:30. of course.
today i have a phone call scheduled with the director of my summer camp. next summer i want to be the group leader and by all rights it should be mine. we are going to discuss it this afternoon. i love camp and i am so excited to talk to her. only issue is, i get home a little after 4, the call is at 4:30, and it gets dark at 4:45--no time to run. so i have decided i will take a walk while we are on the phone together, just to get in some exercise. i hate running outside in the dark. it freaks me out. but walking? okay i guess.
i didn't bring food with me to work, except a small gala apple. it's for emergencies only. we have plenty of water and coffee available here, and i have a blueberry green tea bag in my purse. i should be set until i get home.
okay, so number time! unfortunately, i do not own a scale. when i recovered from my first foray into ED territory, i went to a nutritionist, who basically told me that with my living situation (living with 3 girls, one with undiagnosed anorexia, one with a history of EDNOS, and one who was just tiny) and my history, a relapse was probably going to happen. she gave me some ideas to help stop it, and getting rid of my scale was one of them. and since then, i just haven't bought one. too much of a pain, especially now that i rely solely on public transportation. so i don't know my current weight. i think it's about 136.
my 5-year high school reunion is the day after thanksgiving. i want to look as good as possible. it sounds stupid and shallow, but when everyone in your class is getting engaged, and i don't even have a real job, the only thing i have going for me is my looks. okay, and the fact that i went to a better school than most, and now i live in new york instead of fucking ohio. but i need to look gooooood. i would like to lose 10 pounds before then. or really just as much weight as possible. if i want to lose 10, assuming i weigh 136, here are the facts:
23, female, 136, 5'2''
RMR: 1325
x 1.375 (lightly active, exercise 1-3 days/week, desk job) - underestimating a little
= 1822 calories burned per day
3500 calories in a pound
x 10 pounds
= 35,000 calories need to be lost to lose 10
the reunion is in 19 days. one of these days is thanksgiving...fuck. so 18 days, including today.
according to straight math, i need to burn 1944 calories each day to lose 10 pounds.
which means i need negative intake of -122 calories everyday.
okay. i can do this.
random outputs:
1 hour of walking at 3mph is -204 calories
30 minutes of running at 7mph is -355 calories
going up and down 1 flight of stairs is -5 calories (i live on the 5th floor, so thats -20 everytime i go in and out)
30 minutes of dancing around -145 calories
plan for today:
-nothing at work
-get home, go for a walk as soon as possible
-walk for two hours (-404)
(-1822 + -404 = -2226)
-dinner will be 1 cup of gnocchi from trader joe's (190) + 1 apple (80)
(-2226 + 270 = -1956)
this plan will put me at -136 net for the day, which is on track with my goal.
i will also try to clean when i get home, plus maybe do a little dancing around/lifting.
here's to a good day!
onto today. i haven't had a thing yet, though it's only 8-something. i've been up for 2 hours. i hate working in this cubicle! today it is supposed to be almost 70 in new york. a perfect day, and probably the last nice one until spring. of course i am stuck inside until 3:30. of course.
today i have a phone call scheduled with the director of my summer camp. next summer i want to be the group leader and by all rights it should be mine. we are going to discuss it this afternoon. i love camp and i am so excited to talk to her. only issue is, i get home a little after 4, the call is at 4:30, and it gets dark at 4:45--no time to run. so i have decided i will take a walk while we are on the phone together, just to get in some exercise. i hate running outside in the dark. it freaks me out. but walking? okay i guess.
i didn't bring food with me to work, except a small gala apple. it's for emergencies only. we have plenty of water and coffee available here, and i have a blueberry green tea bag in my purse. i should be set until i get home.
okay, so number time! unfortunately, i do not own a scale. when i recovered from my first foray into ED territory, i went to a nutritionist, who basically told me that with my living situation (living with 3 girls, one with undiagnosed anorexia, one with a history of EDNOS, and one who was just tiny) and my history, a relapse was probably going to happen. she gave me some ideas to help stop it, and getting rid of my scale was one of them. and since then, i just haven't bought one. too much of a pain, especially now that i rely solely on public transportation. so i don't know my current weight. i think it's about 136.
my 5-year high school reunion is the day after thanksgiving. i want to look as good as possible. it sounds stupid and shallow, but when everyone in your class is getting engaged, and i don't even have a real job, the only thing i have going for me is my looks. okay, and the fact that i went to a better school than most, and now i live in new york instead of fucking ohio. but i need to look gooooood. i would like to lose 10 pounds before then. or really just as much weight as possible. if i want to lose 10, assuming i weigh 136, here are the facts:
23, female, 136, 5'2''
RMR: 1325
x 1.375 (lightly active, exercise 1-3 days/week, desk job) - underestimating a little
= 1822 calories burned per day
3500 calories in a pound
x 10 pounds
= 35,000 calories need to be lost to lose 10
the reunion is in 19 days. one of these days is thanksgiving...fuck. so 18 days, including today.
according to straight math, i need to burn 1944 calories each day to lose 10 pounds.
which means i need negative intake of -122 calories everyday.
okay. i can do this.
random outputs:
1 hour of walking at 3mph is -204 calories
30 minutes of running at 7mph is -355 calories
going up and down 1 flight of stairs is -5 calories (i live on the 5th floor, so thats -20 everytime i go in and out)
30 minutes of dancing around -145 calories
plan for today:
-nothing at work
-get home, go for a walk as soon as possible
-walk for two hours (-404)
(-1822 + -404 = -2226)
-dinner will be 1 cup of gnocchi from trader joe's (190) + 1 apple (80)
(-2226 + 270 = -1956)
this plan will put me at -136 net for the day, which is on track with my goal.
i will also try to clean when i get home, plus maybe do a little dancing around/lifting.
here's to a good day!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
new direction
yeah, so i was using this blog as a way to record my crazyiosity last year. i fell out of touch with it because i had to keep it a secret, yet write in it all the time. so screw that.
in other news, i have an eating disorder. it's not new. not in the least. but it's back with a vengeance. here's my newest eating disorder blog.
today's plan was a 200-calorie breakfast, then nothing until dinner. my roommates and i have sunday night dinners, and we were going to make roasted cauliflower, so i figured it couldn't be too bad. of course, i fucking suck though. bought apple/corn salsa from the farmers market and pigged on carrots and corn chips.
so full and disgusting right now.
needless to say, i am eating VERY little of this cauliflower shit.
ughhhh. my 5-year high school reunion is in less than 3 weeks. i would love to drop 10 pounds before then. no more eating after dinner. for real this time, or i am going to hate myself.
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